I've been busy...

But I thought I'd take a minute to tell you how I got here, since I'm not sure if I explained it to you before in this light.

I know I told you all about our car's being hit and me getting pregnant, but I'm not sure if I told you the whole amazing story.

This summer, I started wanting another baby. Josh and I spoke about it a little bit, but Josh was very concerned about the financial aspect of the whole thing, so we spent a lot of time "talking" about it, the kind of talking that ends with me crying and Josh feeling like a jerk for denying me what no one else could give me, and me feeling like a jerk for making him feel bad about his feelings...And on and on and on. It was really frustrating and scary, and hard to get through, since there was no right or wrong answer, and we both had valid view points but we both had to agree, and we couldn't seem to.
As time went on, I started having "female" problems, and I wondered if the decision had been made for us. It was really painful and I was miserable. It put even more pressure on the situation, because I really started feeling that the whole baby thing was becoming a "now or never" issue.
Finally, in July, I decided to hand it over to divinity. I prayed that we would have as many children as we were supposed to have. I prayed that we would somehow end up with enough money to get through an immediate financial issue and for Josh to feel more comfortable with the idea of another baby. I also prayed that we would somehow get a bigger car, if we were meant to have another baby. After my prayer, I felt better. This was in the afternoon.
That night was the night I was awakened by the drunk driver crashing into our cars. I wondered if this was the answer to my prayer, but I wasn't sure what the answer was. It could have been, "see how devestated you are by losing your cars? there is no way you should have another baby..." OR, it could have been, "here is a way for you to get a bigger car!" It seemed like it took forever to find out if we would end up better off or not. It was really hard to have faith that we would be ok. We had some more "talks" about the baby thing, with me expressing even more strongly that I thought it was meant to be, and Josh feeling so stressed out by the whole situation that we ended up unable to talk about it at all for a while. Even after we got our van, we hadn't agreed. We hadn't been able to find a good car that we could afford for him. We had to get a home equity loan to buy our van. And I started feeling that the van was just a big empty vessel, staring me in the face saying, "You COULD have more kids now that you have me...but it isn't going to happen." I didn't want Josh to feel bad, but I would cry and cry thinking about what I didn't have.
Then one day something changed. Suddenly I realized how stupid I had been. I had been so obsessed with what I didn't have, that I was being completely ungrateful for what I did have. I had two beautiful children already, and I was crying in my bed all day. I decided that I was going to focus on my kids and stop feeling sorry for myself. I started to wonder if I REALLY wanted another baby after all, and I applied for a job at the gym where I work out.
Then, a few days later, I realized that my period was late, and I took a pregnancy test. It was negative. The next day it was negative again, and the next day it was negative again. I thought my period must be late because of all the stress. Then the next day I took another test and it was positive. I knew then that my prayer really had been answered, and that it was meant to be. Sure, Josh was still worried, and it wasn't easy at first being so emotional and knowing that Josh was so worried, but that all got better once my parents gave us their car so we could save some of the insurance money that we got from our cars getting hit. That made Josh feel alot better, and after a while we were able to resolve our feelings about how the pregnancy began (I never expected to get pregnant when we weren't even trying) and now I think everything is ok. It still all feels a little unreal to me. I can't believe that I'm pregnant, I can't believe that it happened this way. I can't believe that the very night that I prayed for a way to get a bigger car our two cars were totalled sitting out in front of our house. I know some people probably think it was a coincidence, but I think it is way too big to be just that.